Reaching back into my pockets

It's been a while and I'm really feeling it. It's been TOO long that I've kept the world inside from touching the outside one and I'm about to explode!!! ! So now it flows, and I'm sorry, I can pretty much promise no coherent string of thought. But I will tell you this, I start in review.

Looking back I realize this has been a very full year. So full, infact, I can hardly comprehend most of it and feel as if I'm watching it go by as the days get shorter too.
- I started it an emotional mess.
- I made a mess
- I graduated from the LDS Business College
- I found myself engaged
- I moved
- I found myself broke
- I moved again
- I went to Jamaica
- I planned and executed a wedding in 3 months :)
- I went to the Domincan Republic
- I moved AGAIN!
- I found a job ( goal accomplished from before! Hooray)
- I became a Utah resident
- I live with my best friend
- I have no other friends. haha. Atleast no social life to speak of.
- I realize my love for art and music and want to rekindle them.
- I remembered this is my life and that it should have a little me in it, so I'm going to indulge myself and make it about me again. I mean, I'm aloud a few selfish tendencies, right? Which leads me into my next rant.

....Actually I havn't formed that part yet. I just want to write. I want to pluck a small portion of beauty out of the world around me and put it on paper or in a jar and marvel at it and let it illuminate me from the inside out. I want to appreciate the world again. I want to go on an adventure. I want to go somewhere unexpected and share it with my love and feel like because of it we're a little more aware of eachother and let the world collide with itself. - I want to do something for someone in a way I know it will make them feel good or rise to be more and never know the actual result. I want to escape these brick walls and make it my refuge as opposed to walls to keep me in, where I'm alone half the time. You know what? That's that. Today to inspire I'm going to pull on my craziest shoes and go experience the world until it's time to be responsible and go to work. Today is my chance to go be care free and irresponsible...atleast fort he next half hour :)

Words

Words. They used to have a way with me. Then windows flew open and light flew in and somehow I had managed to have a way with them. And as most things,in time, they escaped me and I seemed at a loss entirely for them. Now...It's hard to even trust those once companioned words. Words with dazzling sounds and deeper meanings, now used in empty shells. Too used and worn to carry meaning anymore, too commonplace to be properly prized. How long will words betray me? Or is it my own attentative care fading, leaving impressions,making others seem pale, half attempted and wholly failed by contrast that is the betrayer? I hardly know. I hardly know how to heal the wounds I made myself. I'm tired of these words enveloping me while I try to use them to climb out.

I Wish You Love

I LOVE mornings when you wake up slowly to the sound of soft nothings settling to the ground disrupted only by the sound of rustling sheets and the air around you is that perfectly alive and perfectly cool air. Like walking slowly out of your dreams with only enough recollection to wave goodbye and remember that soft embrace of a world gone perfectly right. Today I had one of those mornings. It was the first one of the year :) BUT I think the very best part was when I was listening to the silence a very precious song to me crept into my ears. It's called "I wish you love".


When I was little my Daddy would come in and sing us a little song. It didn't even matter if we were going to sleep. Just when he was in a good mood he would come up and sing the first little bit of this song to us. haha. For the longest time all I knew was "I wish you bluebirds in the spring" cause that was all he sang to us. haha. At least that's all I remember. But when I was recalling this song I forgot even that little tid bit. So I texted him what I thought the words were " I love you bluebirds in the spring" haha. Thankfully I was able to rectify my mistake before he caught it :) Anyhow, I decided to go and find this song and it has quickly become my morning theme song. The version I found that I like most is by Rachael Yamagata. I heard it and cried like a baby missing my daddy. haha. So I decided to share a little bit of my wonderful morning experience with you guys. Here's the words for the song.

I wish you blue birds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss ,but more than this

I wish you love

                                                       And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health and more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never ever be

So with my best, my very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm,

                            A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all ,when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best, my very best

I set you free

      I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

       But most of all when snowflakes fall

                     I wish you love.

But most of all, when snowflakes fall

I wish you love


Image - Blue Bird   by Kate Mcrostie    http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Blue-Bird-Posters_i2085496_.htm

Goals

For this summer there are a few things I want to accomplish. Some of them are up to chance, but I want to do them regardless. It's been a long year and while it's been good I've only had small chances here and there to do the things I absolutely love and grow as "Rachel" instead of a student. Being a student has been great, don't get me wrong. The college experience was great. But Now I'm done at LDSBC and I'm defintely wanting a little more me and the people I love....and less book in my life. haha. So here are some of the needs I need to do and some of the things I want to do.

1- Get a job. As much as I don't really care to, it needs to be done. I just want to enjoy it....But that shouldn't be too hard. I enjoy most things. haha

2- Start writing every day. I went back and looked over some of the stuff I wrote when I was in High school and realized that I was a whole lot more eloquent and structured when I was writing even the smallest thing every day. SO whether it's just a journal entry, silly thought or something profound, either in my own minds eye or otherwise, I'm going to start writting again. Tadum!

3- Have a piece of my art on display in a gallery. This one has been a goal for a while, but there has been literally NO time. So this summer I've decided to put time aside every week to go ahead and be creative and draw/paint/sketch/whatever. I WILL have something in a gallery. haha.

4- Be better about my scripture study. I'm making it a priority.

5- Do something outside every week. I miss the sun and being outside. THUS I want to do something even if it's just a pic-nic, rollerblading or a walk. I hope I can do some rockclimbing somewhere in there and camping, but we'll see what resources I have when we come around to that :)

6- Be a stinkin EFY counselor! I applied in February and just got an email yesterday... It wasn't a yes and it wasn't a no. haha. They just basically told be after about two and half months that there has been a delay in the hiring proces...haha yeaaah. Hopefully that still means I'm in the running. I REALLY want to be a counselor. It's one of those "things I want to do before I get married". haha. Who knows when that will be, but I'm still tryin to knock it out of the way before I get there...ok. Maybe I'm a little bit delaying getting there cause it's one of those things I think will help me grow before I get there. haha. BAH! Not entirely! ... This probably sounds so bizarre for any of you that aren't aware of my love life. Ok rewind. I'm currently in the lovely situation of being able to choose. SO! I am choosing to grow a bit...and then move forward if it's still appropriate once I've done some growing...that's all you get! haha

7- Become better organized. In soooo many ways. I need to be better with time, finances.....the state of my room...haha It just all needs to be better. haha.

I guess in essence this is gonna be a summer of just...developing. I'm a little bit excited. Given I will make time to havin fun and playing....under time managing....haha, but it's gonna get done! Hold me to it... I might slip a little, but I'm gonna try.

I Can't Decide

I went to class,

and I took notes

They taught me well,

how potent the dose

And time did lapse....

...Forgetful months gone by

One taste crept in

And my soul learned to cry

I covered my ears

I tried to hide

Sweet blessing or a curse?

I can't decide.

Unstable

This is it.

There's too many left un-saids and un-knowns.

Just take a breath and take a break and spread our cards for show.

This hand of chance has gotten out of hand and it's time we take control.

These walls will be our downfall.

Image :"House of Cards" by rzuffik
deviantart.com

Under the Wings of Angels.

Im realizing more and more each day how closely I'm being watched over and how much the Lord is watching over me. I've been blessed in so many ways by my my Savior, my family and my friends in ways I can't even begin to properly say thank you for, and yet it still keeps coming. In some ways I feel incredibly unworthy and selfish for it, and at the same time I'm unearthly grateful. There's nothing more that I can do other than say thank you and try my hardest to return the favor in some way or another somehwere down this road of life. I can be responsible and do my best to be the person that would be worthy of those things and keep moving forward with the hopes that one day it will be good enough and do my best to accomplish the things I couldn't on my own before. And I'll do it for the people who helped me get there. So today's the day I'm stepping it up and being the bigger person I should be. I'm gonna be the one responsible enough to make the people who helped me happy that they did and one day I hope I can help them too.


Image - William Adolphe Bouguereau

Smile-worthy

Today I opened a pear scented reed diffuser. BLISS


My Old Testament professor presented yet another great lecture


The same proffesor used a black and white striped paper clip instead of a tie tac on his lime green floral tie. Classy.I think that's what I'm gonna start giving people as gifts. Instead of a tie or a nice pin...It's a box of big, multi-colored, stripped paper clips. Only the good ones of course. Do you think Italy imports here?


I realized half way through the day when I was getting ready this morning that I accidentally put my underwear on inside out. hahahaha.




My sister is so silly even in the worst circumstances. I have selected a wonderful image to depict her craziness for today :) I love her. She's fantastic and the best girl you'll ever meet. You should love her too. The end.




The cute old man that practices dancing by himself as he eats his lunch and listens to his mp3 was outside on the plaza this afternoon. I think he was doing the New York Hustle today.


Sometimes when I drive the sun peeks through the trees at suttered rates and hits my face. The other day it was so perfect and sweet that I cried I was so happy.


Last night I was talking to a friend about an incredible song I heard over the weekend that a friend told me was my song. I still don't know what it's called other than that it's by Jack Johnson and it's about his angel. I was so touched she was reminded of me when she heard it. But last night after I was talking to my friend about it we were sitting on the couch listening to Jack Johnson after a bunch of us made pancakes and it came on. It was perfect.


Someone I didn't think liked me brought me their blanket they've had since they were 8 when I fell asleep on the couch and told me they don't let just anyone use it. It was batman print :)- I made a new friend.


I was looking through a copy of "Architectural Digest" and found a picture that had me laughing for about 30 min of an old man that's trying to look sexy. It could be because he's foreign...but i don't think it's an excuse for the pose, tight white pants and stuffed shirt. :) Enjoy!




We discovered what "girth" was and it's many.... colorful contexts. (Please be creative in your thought process, it's hilarious.)


EFY still hasn't gotten back to me about a counseling position, but my friend has heard from them. So this gives me hope that they're starting to actually reply back to people.


I accidentally called my home-teacher, Tanner, my visiting-teacher to a proffesor in the hall after he asked me if I was actaully going to let myself be seen with him. (If you're not sure what that means I essentially called him a woman and that's why it was ok. If you have any questions go ahead and let me know. haha)



That is all for now. More soon :)

Photography:

sister - My mom

Creepy man- Architectual Digest October 2004

In... more than a few words.

So much has been going on recently. It's kind of like.... I'm watching my life in the form of an hour glass, but my line of vision only covers about a meager inch of it at a time...that inch happens to be the neck of it right now. All I can see in any given moment of present thought is the sand seeping through the tiny hole and rinsing the sides just to settle at the bottom. Problem is, I see it flowing and I start freaking out. Then I remember I can step back, and I do. Then I realize all the sand coming out, at a rate I thought to have been as if lighting fast, was only infinitesimal in contrast to all the sand that was left. But instead of grains of sand falling out I see little dandelions that erupt in little puffs and settle to the bottom of the glass making the mass to appear bigger and more liquid than before....ok, maybe not, but it just kind of came to me as a really interesting mental image just now :) But life really is falling away at a rate I can't exactly measure or determine how to regulate...But it's one of the most beautiful things I can recall experiencing.What has been so beautiful you may ask? Well let me show you a few of those beautiful moments :)



One of my wonderful friends had a ballet audition and

asked if I would take pictures so she could bring them in with her as part of a portfolio. Of course I was thrilled and said I would love to take a few. Well a few turned into about 200 and a small glance into the world of enchantment again. It made me want to fulfill my childhood dream of being a ballerina all over and sparked some inspiration for a painting. Here's my favorite one




Another exciting moment; I was able to go to the Salt Lake temple again for the first time in about two weeks. I know it sounds silly and you're probably asking "Two weeks? That's really not all that long is it?" Well I typically get to go every week and it fills my heart with a calm and a sweet .... sort of light filled...pulse. And when I don't go I feel like my entire week is thrown off kilter and then I need to find stability all over again. So that's made it incredibly bright as well.






Continuing in way of enchanting: I found a magical little place
with a few other friends a few days ago. It was once upon a time a Cafe used for our school's cafeteria of sorts.They remodeled and added another portion at some point though, and this little wing is no longer inhabited. But I can't for the life of me figure out why! It has black and white marble floors with green marble accents, cherry wood booths, walls and chairs and even the bathroom plaques have an elegant flair with ladies holding parasoles and the men in suites. There's also a brick patio with scrolled iron patio furniture and tables encircled by a small garden and a swinging fence to match. It's positively the most lovely thing I've found in Salt Lake aside from the Union Station. However, that is for an entirely different purpose.

That happens to be the sanctuary for my soul; where I can release any stress, anxiety, joy or strain. It's where the words that lie in the dark of my spiritual grip make the transition from internal torment to something externally conquerable. They fly out and dance around the room in an unearthly harmony I couldn't create on my own and then kind of fall to pieces all together. The best part is that I get to see it all dissipate and settle while it happens. It's a malady incomparable in its result, but THIS place... it's somewhere I can escape to entirely; physically, mentally as well as emotionally. It's wonderful. I hope everyone can have a place like this


And since we're talkin about escaping to something unworldly I'm gonna toss something else in too :) I saw "Where the Wild Things Are" for the first time last night. I loved it. I've heard mixed reviews, but it was really a work of art in my minds eye. There were so many calculated parallels from Max's life to his world, spiritually parallels, as well as moments that just oozed nostalgia for me. Tender.I had a good conversation with a good fellow about it too. Best movie analysis/heart to heart/piece of poetry in the form of a movie that I've seen in a long time. I give it a hug instead of two thumbs. Is that ok? haha, It's gonna have to be

I'm afraid aside from all of these other things there isn't a whole lot going on in life right now. Haha I know I said so much was going on, and in small ways they are. At least that's the way it feels. Everything is just happy. The world is mostly good and the sun still shines and the sky is still blue. I'm excited for this weekend. I get to go home for the weekend and road trip it with my roommate and one of my best friends and at the end of the journey I have a timeless friend and my family that will be waiting. This is a perfect time to see my family. There are some things going on at home I just recently found out about and I feel like I need to be there so the family can be a whole for it. Heavenly Father has kind of guided me to it as well and everything is working out perfectly. I'm so thankful for it. I'll let ya know how things go. Till then! All my love and more :) Peace out girl scout.

Photography:
"Where the Wild Things Are" - not mine. Got it off google.

Salt Lake Temple, Ballet shot, Cafe pictures and all others - Mine

Unobtainable sun

I've been loving in the shade of a familiar tree. Enjoying the light of stars and day light trickle through the leaves - Just today I stumbled into the sun. I never realized the light shining through the leaves was truly so bright. For hours I lay warming in that sun; feeling the sweet kisses of it's rays,
but slowly...it receded and cooled

Before I realized it the sun was setting. I reached for it, I grabbed at it, I prayed and pled...But it set. It said goodbye. It said goodbye without an extra second to think about staying. Without considering for another moment that I just might be capable of shining right back, and give light to brighten it's beautiful glow just as strong.

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides"

Then again, maybe I can't. Maybe I can't make the sun shine any brighter...but I can't go back to the shade of my tree. I'm not capable of going back to the fractured tastes of the sun between wooden bars and thick sheets of leaves. No. All I can do is become a sun myself. Just as high. just as bright... Just enough so I can follow and reflect the light of the sun... Maybe tomorrow... If I can just endure the night



Image (not mine) - http://spoiledmommy.com/.a/6a010535158014970b0120a6799bee970bpi
Quote- David Viscott
Poem - Rachel Lake

Conflicted

I have the words but you wont listen

You wont look up to see eyes glisten

I'm not just an item to fit your bill

I'm not a thing with which your space to fill

You don't know me

And you don't want to see

But here I am, still droppin by

Still hangin on with hopes held high

Tell me how and where to go from here

Say it, shout it, piss me off, but be sincere

I'll breath your words to lift me up

I'll drink it all, that bitter cup

Just say something

Just make me something

I'm tired of guessing.




Poem - Rachel Lake
Image - al-baum (http://al-baum.deviantart.com/art/Dousk-151204618)

Pocket Poetry

Her Pocket

A small silk patch

Stitched to the furthest corner

Of her tender heart

Holding whispered secrets

On sunflower lit afternoons

& tear stained love notes

With love worn folds

Where she keeps her glittering childhood

& half created

Half lived dream creatures

Within herself she thrives

& dances for blind eyes

Waiting for the day

When the stitching in her heart

Dissolves into flesh

& CURES the unseeing eyes

& releases the life

Within her pocket

A small silk patch

Stitched to the furthest corner

Of her tender heart

Poem - Rachel Lake

Image - Drops Meet Dandelion ( http://alinschki.deviantart.com/)

Most Recently Me.

Life. Someone once told me it was something to do. The problem was always finding whatever that something was that made me feel like I was shining and really truly alive...and then getting out there and doing it. This last semester has been a huge mile marker for me. I'm heading into my final semester at LDSBC for the Interior Design program, was just released as the 2nd counselor in the Relief Society and am now on the Temple Committee, accomplished some goals, made a few people smile, got my head on a little straighter than before and life feels like it's finally coming together. I feel like I found those things. This last weekend I found a few more things that tied them all together. Or more appropriately I rediscovered something in me I had lost. A few things. I found my words again. I found inspiration again. I sat down a painted for me for the first time in 6 months. I found a smile from my heart again. And it came with a little pain. Because I had to do something to get past the lull I was experiencing and start living again. I'm living again! I finally feel vibrant and thriving and alive again. I don't know when it went away, but I'm glad that it's back. So as I venture out my door, and likely stumble upon some obstacles, I want to keep this unearthly feeling with me. And I'd like to share it. As the words I'm overflowing with come I'll share. I'll place it in this pocket. I hope you'll be able to dip, hide and wiggle your fingers in here too.