Thursday, July 28, 2011


Sometimes everything just falls on us like a rushing cloud carrying in it's tow a torrent of piercing rain and wind.

Sometimes those rain drops weren't actually caused by an exterior force. Sometimes they come from your own eyes. From your own doing. Sometimes that wind is the unbearably sharp gasps from your own lips as your tears choke the breath out of you.

Sometimes the world sings and tries to touch you with its light but you seem to be trapped in the dark with no way out and no way for the light to come in.

Sometimes that dark is just you closing your eyes.

Sometimes you just want to scream and tear things apart so you'll stop tearing yourself up inside.

Sometimes you can't escape yourself.

Sometimes you understand the coping mechanisms of those who have driven themselves mad in self preservation, because just letting life happen would have killed them.

Sometimes the doors you hide behind are just too hard to open even though they're unlocked and ready to be thrust open.

Sometimes. But only sometimes. And it's hard to realize that sometimes isn't all times when your sometimes last a while. When your sometimes are so big and your other times are so peacefully quiet. The difference is startling and so you remain startled until you can somehow remind yourself to take a step back or be still.

So I'm trying to open my eyes. I'm trying to get out all the tears so there's no more to cry. I'm settling my hands from destruction, settling my breath, and settling into stillness. And once I'm still I'll be taking that step towards that door. And I'm gonna open it. Because I will not let my sometimes become my all times. And unlike that mad man I can not live unaware. I can not live without joy. I can not live without action invoked of my own accord. So if I ever scream or shed a tear please understand. I'm trying hard to be still.