Sometimes

Sometimes everything just falls on us like a rushing cloud carrying in it's tow a torrent of piercing rain and wind.

Sometimes those rain drops weren't actually caused by an exterior force. Sometimes they come from your own eyes. From your own doing. Sometimes that wind is the unbearably sharp gasps from your own lips as your tears choke the breath out of you.

Sometimes the world sings and tries to touch you with its light but you seem to be trapped in the dark with no way out and no way for the light to come in.

Sometimes that dark is just you closing your eyes.

Sometimes you just want to scream and tear things apart so you'll stop tearing yourself up inside.

Sometimes you can't escape yourself.

Sometimes you understand the coping mechanisms of those who have driven themselves mad in self preservation, because just letting life happen would have killed them.

Sometimes the doors you hide behind are just too hard to open even though they're unlocked and ready to be thrust open.

Sometimes. But only sometimes. And it's hard to realize that sometimes isn't all times when your sometimes last a while. When your sometimes are so big and your other times are so peacefully quiet. The difference is startling and so you remain startled until you can somehow remind yourself to take a step back or be still.

So I'm trying to open my eyes. I'm trying to get out all the tears so there's no more to cry. I'm settling my hands from destruction, settling my breath, and settling into stillness. And once I'm still I'll be taking that step towards that door. And I'm gonna open it. Because I will not let my sometimes become my all times. And unlike that mad man I can not live unaware. I can not live without joy. I can not live without action invoked of my own accord. So if I ever scream or shed a tear please understand. I'm trying hard to be still.

New year, new life, new me

Welcome, welcome. Thank you for coming!  Today is the mark of something NEW. Some glorious sort of blessing. Something stable. No, it's not as monumental as it sounds, but Riley and I are very thankful for it. At the beginning of this semester Riley and I were feeling our faith, our pockets and our resumes stretch quite a bit. As we approached this new year with almost nothing in our bank account and the only job we had was looming over our heads with shortened hours (although a raise made that stretch just bearable) it became very obvious that there were going to need to be some big changes in our lives. Riley would start looking for a job and the instant my hours were shortened I would too. Personally I was getting a little worried as up until this last week there was no change. I was able to scrape up just enough hours to support us this month, and we had heard nothing else concerning the job Riley had applied for. But luckily the Lord provides. Shame on me for being skeptical. Friday evening Riley got a call from his current dream job which he applied for. An internship that will keep us here through the summer and likely until he graduates!!!! He will be programing software with BYU to external sources. So not only is he learning the ropes and getting experience and connections, but they will actually be selling these projects to external clients that contact BYU specifically for the jobs. We're really excited he'll be doing something he loves and that it's turned out to be a real benefit to his pursued line of career. And frankly I'm really thankful it came when it did. This next week I'm reducing my hours since I can not exceed a specific limit this year and will need to find other work. Mostly so I don't go insane with nothing to do, now that we have something a little more stable.  So we'll see where that road takes us. I'm thinking of Cosmetology school during the summer and doing a year long program. I've been toying with this idea of starting a salon out of our house, when we have one, so I can still be at home when we start a family. And I would LOVE all the people coming through and the creativity outlet. Mostly I would like to be able to do styling for things like weddings and dances and special occasions and the like. I'm also considering starting a small hair accessory business from home. ok, here we go. This is going to be a    l   o   n   g    one. Get ready.

Part 1 ( Fascination ):
When I was in the Interior Design program at the LDS Business College I took a color theory class. It FASCINATED me. I love color. I love the impact it has. I love it's underlying healing qualities. I love the personal statements you create with it and...... I just love it!!! I love the science in it's creation. I love it's mechanical schemes. It's balance, it's chaos, it's brightness. I just love it. The end... LOVE.


Part 2 ( Creativity ):
I suppose this could also be called passion, but we'll get to that. In tandem with this last realization, there was one particular event that influenced my thoughts. It was the formal for the semester and I had some lovely lady friends attending. Now, I have wonderful friends who indulge me, and I had this dream. I wanted terribly to do all their hair like you would for a ball in Victorian times. (Secretly I just wanted to do some Pride and Prejudice hair so I could pretend I was in the story, haha.) Well  I got to thinking. And my thought was something to the effect of  "Well what is a great hairdo without some great accessories?!" So I set to work. I corresponded with the girls about their dresses and got an idea for hair styles and I went to town... or rather,  I went to Michael's. I found a few key items and pillaged my box of crafts for the rest. I strung it all together and produced some pretty charming pieces. I had a blast!


Part 3 (pack rat - It runs in the family)
Now as I mentioned before I have a craft box. Most of it consists of scraps from old Interior Design projects,  some scraps from old sewing projects and oodles and oodles of pieces from my Mother ( Mommy), Grandmother ( Grammy) , Great-grandma (G-ma B) and my Mother-in-law ( Mamo ). This being said, you can imagine how large it actually is. About 1 bulging tupperwear tub (the big ones), three bags and a box specifically for lace. That's not even considering the ribbons. Oh the ribbons!!!!! When my husband and I moved into our first place he was in shock at how much "crap" I carried around with me. I hurriedly explained " It's not crap! It's art. It's my creative outlet." so he was supportive and sweet and crammed his shorts and shoes over, practically folding his shorts into his shoes, and obliged me a handsome corner (more like a third ) of our closet for my boxes, bags, mini sewing machine and all other unmentioned paints, brushes, glues, papers and pens. The point is that my husband is wonderful... and that all of these things are from previous projects; There aren't many options for real sewing projects in way of quantity of each material. So I had this brilliant idea. One to satisfy the removal of some of these materials to satisfy my husband, one to satisfy the creative madwoman inside me, and one to share my love of color, hair, and color theory. Not to mention the going green movement. Drum roll please....


Part 4 ( The idea)
I want to start a "green" color therapy based hair accessory business. We live in a world where everything is on the go now and we're hardly ever home. I love the idea of color therapy, but it's hard to benefit from it when you're never in the rooms it's located in. Of course this is primarily from a working college student perspective, but that's a huge portion of my hoped for client-el. The idea is to take the color with you and use it to your benefit. We all are effected by what we wear. Why not shop by how you want to feel too, instead of just how you look? Whether it's to promote creativity, confidence, excitement, peace or healing color plays a part. All textiles will be recycled, have a therapeutic color scheme and have a back story to go with each one.  They will all be one of a kind. Custom items are an option, and if you want you can even send in your own textiles from sentimental items or events, and choose a style from previous projects I'll keep on file. But like I said, right now it's just an idea. One I'm pretty excited about, but I'm not sure if I would be the only one. Let me know what you think.


So that's that for now. I will finally put an end to my long winded-ness. I hope life is well for all of you and that  you're finding something to be excited about in life. There's so much there. You just have to find it and make it yours :) .T.T.F.N. !!! 

Reaching back into my pockets

It's been a while and I'm really feeling it. It's been TOO long that I've kept the world inside from touching the outside one and I'm about to explode!!! ! So now it flows, and I'm sorry, I can pretty much promise no coherent string of thought. But I will tell you this, I start in review.

Looking back I realize this has been a very full year. So full, infact, I can hardly comprehend most of it and feel as if I'm watching it go by as the days get shorter too.
- I started it an emotional mess.
- I made a mess
- I graduated from the LDS Business College
- I found myself engaged
- I moved
- I found myself broke
- I moved again
- I went to Jamaica
- I planned and executed a wedding in 3 months :)
- I went to the Domincan Republic
- I moved AGAIN!
- I found a job ( goal accomplished from before! Hooray)
- I became a Utah resident
- I live with my best friend
- I have no other friends. haha. Atleast no social life to speak of.
- I realize my love for art and music and want to rekindle them.
- I remembered this is my life and that it should have a little me in it, so I'm going to indulge myself and make it about me again. I mean, I'm aloud a few selfish tendencies, right? Which leads me into my next rant.

....Actually I havn't formed that part yet. I just want to write. I want to pluck a small portion of beauty out of the world around me and put it on paper or in a jar and marvel at it and let it illuminate me from the inside out. I want to appreciate the world again. I want to go on an adventure. I want to go somewhere unexpected and share it with my love and feel like because of it we're a little more aware of eachother and let the world collide with itself. - I want to do something for someone in a way I know it will make them feel good or rise to be more and never know the actual result. I want to escape these brick walls and make it my refuge as opposed to walls to keep me in, where I'm alone half the time. You know what? That's that. Today to inspire I'm going to pull on my craziest shoes and go experience the world until it's time to be responsible and go to work. Today is my chance to go be care free and irresponsible...atleast fort he next half hour :)

Words

Words. They used to have a way with me. Then windows flew open and light flew in and somehow I had managed to have a way with them. And as most things,in time, they escaped me and I seemed at a loss entirely for them. Now...It's hard to even trust those once companioned words. Words with dazzling sounds and deeper meanings, now used in empty shells. Too used and worn to carry meaning anymore, too commonplace to be properly prized. How long will words betray me? Or is it my own attentative care fading, leaving impressions,making others seem pale, half attempted and wholly failed by contrast that is the betrayer? I hardly know. I hardly know how to heal the wounds I made myself. I'm tired of these words enveloping me while I try to use them to climb out.

I Wish You Love

I LOVE mornings when you wake up slowly to the sound of soft nothings settling to the ground disrupted only by the sound of rustling sheets and the air around you is that perfectly alive and perfectly cool air. Like walking slowly out of your dreams with only enough recollection to wave goodbye and remember that soft embrace of a world gone perfectly right. Today I had one of those mornings. It was the first one of the year :) BUT I think the very best part was when I was listening to the silence a very precious song to me crept into my ears. It's called "I wish you love".


When I was little my Daddy would come in and sing us a little song. It didn't even matter if we were going to sleep. Just when he was in a good mood he would come up and sing the first little bit of this song to us. haha. For the longest time all I knew was "I wish you bluebirds in the spring" cause that was all he sang to us. haha. At least that's all I remember. But when I was recalling this song I forgot even that little tid bit. So I texted him what I thought the words were " I love you bluebirds in the spring" haha. Thankfully I was able to rectify my mistake before he caught it :) Anyhow, I decided to go and find this song and it has quickly become my morning theme song. The version I found that I like most is by Rachael Yamagata. I heard it and cried like a baby missing my daddy. haha. So I decided to share a little bit of my wonderful morning experience with you guys. Here's the words for the song.

I wish you blue birds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss ,but more than this

I wish you love

                                                       And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health and more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never ever be

So with my best, my very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm,

                            A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all ,when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best, my very best

I set you free

      I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

       But most of all when snowflakes fall

                     I wish you love.

But most of all, when snowflakes fall

I wish you love


Image - Blue Bird   by Kate Mcrostie    http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Blue-Bird-Posters_i2085496_.htm

Goals

For this summer there are a few things I want to accomplish. Some of them are up to chance, but I want to do them regardless. It's been a long year and while it's been good I've only had small chances here and there to do the things I absolutely love and grow as "Rachel" instead of a student. Being a student has been great, don't get me wrong. The college experience was great. But Now I'm done at LDSBC and I'm defintely wanting a little more me and the people I love....and less book in my life. haha. So here are some of the needs I need to do and some of the things I want to do.

1- Get a job. As much as I don't really care to, it needs to be done. I just want to enjoy it....But that shouldn't be too hard. I enjoy most things. haha

2- Start writing every day. I went back and looked over some of the stuff I wrote when I was in High school and realized that I was a whole lot more eloquent and structured when I was writing even the smallest thing every day. SO whether it's just a journal entry, silly thought or something profound, either in my own minds eye or otherwise, I'm going to start writting again. Tadum!

3- Have a piece of my art on display in a gallery. This one has been a goal for a while, but there has been literally NO time. So this summer I've decided to put time aside every week to go ahead and be creative and draw/paint/sketch/whatever. I WILL have something in a gallery. haha.

4- Be better about my scripture study. I'm making it a priority.

5- Do something outside every week. I miss the sun and being outside. THUS I want to do something even if it's just a pic-nic, rollerblading or a walk. I hope I can do some rockclimbing somewhere in there and camping, but we'll see what resources I have when we come around to that :)

6- Be a stinkin EFY counselor! I applied in February and just got an email yesterday... It wasn't a yes and it wasn't a no. haha. They just basically told be after about two and half months that there has been a delay in the hiring proces...haha yeaaah. Hopefully that still means I'm in the running. I REALLY want to be a counselor. It's one of those "things I want to do before I get married". haha. Who knows when that will be, but I'm still tryin to knock it out of the way before I get there...ok. Maybe I'm a little bit delaying getting there cause it's one of those things I think will help me grow before I get there. haha. BAH! Not entirely! ... This probably sounds so bizarre for any of you that aren't aware of my love life. Ok rewind. I'm currently in the lovely situation of being able to choose. SO! I am choosing to grow a bit...and then move forward if it's still appropriate once I've done some growing...that's all you get! haha

7- Become better organized. In soooo many ways. I need to be better with time, finances.....the state of my room...haha It just all needs to be better. haha.

I guess in essence this is gonna be a summer of just...developing. I'm a little bit excited. Given I will make time to havin fun and playing....under time managing....haha, but it's gonna get done! Hold me to it... I might slip a little, but I'm gonna try.

I Can't Decide

I went to class,

and I took notes

They taught me well,

how potent the dose

And time did lapse....

...Forgetful months gone by

One taste crept in

And my soul learned to cry

I covered my ears

I tried to hide

Sweet blessing or a curse?

I can't decide.