Reaching back into my pockets

It's been a while and I'm really feeling it. It's been TOO long that I've kept the world inside from touching the outside one and I'm about to explode!!! ! So now it flows, and I'm sorry, I can pretty much promise no coherent string of thought. But I will tell you this, I start in review.

Looking back I realize this has been a very full year. So full, infact, I can hardly comprehend most of it and feel as if I'm watching it go by as the days get shorter too.
- I started it an emotional mess.
- I made a mess
- I graduated from the LDS Business College
- I found myself engaged
- I moved
- I found myself broke
- I moved again
- I went to Jamaica
- I planned and executed a wedding in 3 months :)
- I went to the Domincan Republic
- I moved AGAIN!
- I found a job ( goal accomplished from before! Hooray)
- I became a Utah resident
- I live with my best friend
- I have no other friends. haha. Atleast no social life to speak of.
- I realize my love for art and music and want to rekindle them.
- I remembered this is my life and that it should have a little me in it, so I'm going to indulge myself and make it about me again. I mean, I'm aloud a few selfish tendencies, right? Which leads me into my next rant.

....Actually I havn't formed that part yet. I just want to write. I want to pluck a small portion of beauty out of the world around me and put it on paper or in a jar and marvel at it and let it illuminate me from the inside out. I want to appreciate the world again. I want to go on an adventure. I want to go somewhere unexpected and share it with my love and feel like because of it we're a little more aware of eachother and let the world collide with itself. - I want to do something for someone in a way I know it will make them feel good or rise to be more and never know the actual result. I want to escape these brick walls and make it my refuge as opposed to walls to keep me in, where I'm alone half the time. You know what? That's that. Today to inspire I'm going to pull on my craziest shoes and go experience the world until it's time to be responsible and go to work. Today is my chance to go be care free and irresponsible...atleast fort he next half hour :)

Words

Words. They used to have a way with me. Then windows flew open and light flew in and somehow I had managed to have a way with them. And as most things,in time, they escaped me and I seemed at a loss entirely for them. Now...It's hard to even trust those once companioned words. Words with dazzling sounds and deeper meanings, now used in empty shells. Too used and worn to carry meaning anymore, too commonplace to be properly prized. How long will words betray me? Or is it my own attentative care fading, leaving impressions,making others seem pale, half attempted and wholly failed by contrast that is the betrayer? I hardly know. I hardly know how to heal the wounds I made myself. I'm tired of these words enveloping me while I try to use them to climb out.

I Wish You Love

I LOVE mornings when you wake up slowly to the sound of soft nothings settling to the ground disrupted only by the sound of rustling sheets and the air around you is that perfectly alive and perfectly cool air. Like walking slowly out of your dreams with only enough recollection to wave goodbye and remember that soft embrace of a world gone perfectly right. Today I had one of those mornings. It was the first one of the year :) BUT I think the very best part was when I was listening to the silence a very precious song to me crept into my ears. It's called "I wish you love".


When I was little my Daddy would come in and sing us a little song. It didn't even matter if we were going to sleep. Just when he was in a good mood he would come up and sing the first little bit of this song to us. haha. For the longest time all I knew was "I wish you bluebirds in the spring" cause that was all he sang to us. haha. At least that's all I remember. But when I was recalling this song I forgot even that little tid bit. So I texted him what I thought the words were " I love you bluebirds in the spring" haha. Thankfully I was able to rectify my mistake before he caught it :) Anyhow, I decided to go and find this song and it has quickly become my morning theme song. The version I found that I like most is by Rachael Yamagata. I heard it and cried like a baby missing my daddy. haha. So I decided to share a little bit of my wonderful morning experience with you guys. Here's the words for the song.

I wish you blue birds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss ,but more than this

I wish you love

                                                       And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health and more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never ever be

So with my best, my very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm,

                            A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all ,when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best, my very best

I set you free

      I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

       But most of all when snowflakes fall

                     I wish you love.

But most of all, when snowflakes fall

I wish you love


Image - Blue Bird   by Kate Mcrostie    http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Blue-Bird-Posters_i2085496_.htm

Goals

For this summer there are a few things I want to accomplish. Some of them are up to chance, but I want to do them regardless. It's been a long year and while it's been good I've only had small chances here and there to do the things I absolutely love and grow as "Rachel" instead of a student. Being a student has been great, don't get me wrong. The college experience was great. But Now I'm done at LDSBC and I'm defintely wanting a little more me and the people I love....and less book in my life. haha. So here are some of the needs I need to do and some of the things I want to do.

1- Get a job. As much as I don't really care to, it needs to be done. I just want to enjoy it....But that shouldn't be too hard. I enjoy most things. haha

2- Start writing every day. I went back and looked over some of the stuff I wrote when I was in High school and realized that I was a whole lot more eloquent and structured when I was writing even the smallest thing every day. SO whether it's just a journal entry, silly thought or something profound, either in my own minds eye or otherwise, I'm going to start writting again. Tadum!

3- Have a piece of my art on display in a gallery. This one has been a goal for a while, but there has been literally NO time. So this summer I've decided to put time aside every week to go ahead and be creative and draw/paint/sketch/whatever. I WILL have something in a gallery. haha.

4- Be better about my scripture study. I'm making it a priority.

5- Do something outside every week. I miss the sun and being outside. THUS I want to do something even if it's just a pic-nic, rollerblading or a walk. I hope I can do some rockclimbing somewhere in there and camping, but we'll see what resources I have when we come around to that :)

6- Be a stinkin EFY counselor! I applied in February and just got an email yesterday... It wasn't a yes and it wasn't a no. haha. They just basically told be after about two and half months that there has been a delay in the hiring proces...haha yeaaah. Hopefully that still means I'm in the running. I REALLY want to be a counselor. It's one of those "things I want to do before I get married". haha. Who knows when that will be, but I'm still tryin to knock it out of the way before I get there...ok. Maybe I'm a little bit delaying getting there cause it's one of those things I think will help me grow before I get there. haha. BAH! Not entirely! ... This probably sounds so bizarre for any of you that aren't aware of my love life. Ok rewind. I'm currently in the lovely situation of being able to choose. SO! I am choosing to grow a bit...and then move forward if it's still appropriate once I've done some growing...that's all you get! haha

7- Become better organized. In soooo many ways. I need to be better with time, finances.....the state of my room...haha It just all needs to be better. haha.

I guess in essence this is gonna be a summer of just...developing. I'm a little bit excited. Given I will make time to havin fun and playing....under time managing....haha, but it's gonna get done! Hold me to it... I might slip a little, but I'm gonna try.

I Can't Decide

I went to class,

and I took notes

They taught me well,

how potent the dose

And time did lapse....

...Forgetful months gone by

One taste crept in

And my soul learned to cry

I covered my ears

I tried to hide

Sweet blessing or a curse?

I can't decide.

Unstable

This is it.

There's too many left un-saids and un-knowns.

Just take a breath and take a break and spread our cards for show.

This hand of chance has gotten out of hand and it's time we take control.

These walls will be our downfall.

Image :"House of Cards" by rzuffik
deviantart.com

Under the Wings of Angels.

Im realizing more and more each day how closely I'm being watched over and how much the Lord is watching over me. I've been blessed in so many ways by my my Savior, my family and my friends in ways I can't even begin to properly say thank you for, and yet it still keeps coming. In some ways I feel incredibly unworthy and selfish for it, and at the same time I'm unearthly grateful. There's nothing more that I can do other than say thank you and try my hardest to return the favor in some way or another somehwere down this road of life. I can be responsible and do my best to be the person that would be worthy of those things and keep moving forward with the hopes that one day it will be good enough and do my best to accomplish the things I couldn't on my own before. And I'll do it for the people who helped me get there. So today's the day I'm stepping it up and being the bigger person I should be. I'm gonna be the one responsible enough to make the people who helped me happy that they did and one day I hope I can help them too.


Image - William Adolphe Bouguereau